Humor

Subject: FW: Older woman

> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>============================================================

(This story was told by an Australian speaker at a Christian conference in Sydney)

Two Aussies appeared at the pearly gates of heaven, catching the doorman completely by surprise; he was certainly not expecting any Australians in heaven (because of the country’s original settlement as a penal colony). He asked them to please wait at the gates until he could verify their credentials with Saint Peter (for some reason in our folk humor Peter has been assigned all authority in heaven too). When Peter was informed of these applications from "down under," he, too, was caught off guard and decided he would need to accompany the doorman back to the pearly gates to talk to these unexpected visitors. But when they arrived at the entrance, behold—the Australians were gone—and so were the pearly gates!

(slightly adapted from Ravi Zacharias, Can Man Live Without God, p134-135)

Two brothers were notorious around town for being as crooked in their business dealings as they could possibly be. That notwithstanding, they continued to progress from wealth to greater wealth until suddenly one of the brothers died. The surviving brother found himself in search of a minister who would be willing to put the finishing touches to the funeral. He finally made an offer to a minister that was hard for him to refuse. "I will pay you a great sum, he said, "if you will just do me one favor. In eulogizing my brother, I want you to call him a ‘saint,’ and if you do, I will give you a handsome reward." The minister, a shrewd pragmatist, agreed to comply. Why not? The money could help put a new roof on the church.

When the funeral service began, the sanctuary was filled by all the important business associates who had been swindled through the years by these two brothers. Unaware of the deal that had been made for the eulogy, they were expecting to be vindicated by the public exposure of the man’s character.

At last the much-awaited moment arrived, and the minister spoke. "The man you see in the coffin was a vile and debauched individual. He was a liar, a thief, a deceiver, a manipulator, a reprobate, and a hedonist. He destroyed the fortunes, careers, and lives of countless people in this city, some of whom are here today. This man did every dirty, rotten, unconscionable thing you can think of. But compared to his brother here, he was a saint."

(from Ravi Zacharias, Can

======================================================================================> >George Carlin's latest...
> >
> >1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
> >does he become disoriented?
>
> >2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> >Holland called Holes?
>
> >3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
>
> >4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> >5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
> >6. If love is blind, why is it so popular?
>
> >7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
> >two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
>
> >8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> >9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
> >begin with?
>
> >10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
> >11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
> >who drives a race car not called a racist?
>
> >12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>
> >13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>
> >14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>
> >15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
> >Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
>
> >16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow
> >that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
> >models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
>
> >17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>
> >18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
> >19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
>
> >20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
> >more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their
> >final exam!
>
> >21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
> >spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use ? Toothpicks?
>
> >22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
> >are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
> >pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered
> >the mail?
>
> >23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
> >others here for?
>
> >24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
> >25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
>
> >26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> >zigzag?
>
> >27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
> >went nuts!!!
>
> >28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>
> >29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
_________________________________________________________________

> >Never give up on your kids.
> >
> >Lyn
> >
> >>
> >>
> >>THE TALE OF RODNEY AND THE DONKEY
> >>
> >>A city boy, Rodney, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
> >>farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
> >>
> >>The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
> >>bad news, the donkey died."
> >>
> >>Rodney replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer
> >>said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
> >>
> >>Rodney said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked,
> >>"What ya gonna do with him?" Rodney, "I'm going to raffle him off."
> >>
> >>Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Rodney, "Sure I can. Watch
> >>me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
> >>
> >>A month later the farmer met up with Rodney and asked, "What happened
> >>with that dead donkey?"
> >>
> >>Rodney, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
> >>and made a profit of $998."
> >>
> >>Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Rodney, "Just the guy who won. So I
> >>gave him his two dollars back."
> >>
> >>Rodney grew up and eventually became the chairman of HIH, FAI and
> >>OneTel.
> >>

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay
for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, Nuns are not
spinsters ! Nuns are married to God." [That's why nuns wear wedding rings].